When any criticism hurts: how to get through comments and arguments
When any criticism hurts: how to get through comments and arguments
Sometimes it goes like this: someone makes a small comment, and inside it feels like a blow. Then you replay the words for hours. And in an argument you just want to run, cry or hit back.
This is not weakness or a "bad character". You can learn to handle it.
Why it hurts so much
The brain treats criticism as danger. Your heart races, your throat tightens, you can't think straight. The body gets ready to defend itself.
We hear more than was said. They say: "There's a mistake in the report." You hear: "You're bad at your job. You're useless."
When we are tired, our armour is thinner. After bad sleep or a hard week, things hurt that would not have touched you on another day.
During the conversation: three steps
Don't answer straight away. Breathe out slowly, once. A long out-breath calms the body.
Feel the ground. Press your feet into the floor. Drop your shoulders.
Say a sentence that buys time. For example: "I've heard you. I need to think about it. I'll come back to you."
You do not have to reply on the spot. Asking for a pause is normal.
Afterwards: separate two things
Take a piece of paper and write two lines:
The first line is a fact. The second was added by your mind. The second is usually the one that hurts.
Then ask yourself two questions:
Is this about something I did, or about all of me? A mistake in a table is about the table.
Is there anything useful here? Even one thing you can fix. Take that. You can leave the rest.
How to say your part in an argument
When we are scared, we either go silent or blame. There is a third way: one sentence in three parts.
"When …, I feel …, and I need …"
Example: "When you raise your voice, I get scared and can't think. I need us to talk calmly."
There is no blame in that sentence. That makes it easier to hear.
If the talk gets too heated, you can stop it: "I want to finish this, but not now. Let's come back to it in an hour."
Try it right now
Think of one comment that stung.
Write down exactly what was said. Just the words.
Write down what you heard.
Compare the two lines.
Put a hand on your chest and tell yourself: "That hurt. That's normal. I got through it."
Important: it is not always about you
A comment about your work and a put-down are different things. If someone shouts at you, insults you, mocks you or threatens you, hurting is the normal response. You do not need to learn to put up with it. Tell someone you trust, or a professional.
When to get help
Talk to a therapist or doctor if fear of criticism makes you avoid work or people, if it takes you days to recover after a comment, or if you feel bad nearly every day for more than two weeks. If you think life is not worth living, get help now: see the crisis page.
In RIVA PSY you can note what was said and what you heard, and check the thought step by step. It stays on your phone. [Store link or "Notify me at launch" form]
Based on: DBT skills from Linehan's manual, 2015 (Guilford); the thought record from cognitive therapy, J. Beck, 2020.