I'm "the other woman". What do I do?

You are with someone who has a wife or partner. Maybe you knew from the start. Maybe you found out recently. Inside, it is everything at once: love, guilt, anger, hope, shame.

This article will not tell you what to do. Only you decide that. It helps you see the situation more clearly and look after yourself.

First, the feelings

If he lied and you did not know he wasn't free, your anger is fair. You were deceived. That is not your fault.
If you knew, you may feel ashamed. Separate two thoughts. "I made a choice I regret" is something you can work with. "I'm a bad person" is a label, and it only drains you.
Either way, this is hard for you right now. That is normal.

What usually hurts in this kind of relationship

You wait: for a call, a visit, a decision.
You stay silent: you can't tell the people close to you.
You are alone at weekends and holidays.
You hear "it will change soon", but time keeps passing.

If you see yourself here, your tiredness has a reason.

Step 1. Separate facts from promises

Take a piece of paper and make two columns:

We want to believe the words. But it is safer to decide by the right-hand column.

Step 2. Three honest questions

What do I get from this? Warmth, attention, closeness. That is real. Don't dismiss it.
What do I lose? Time, peace, the chance to be with someone openly.
If everything is exactly the same a year from now, is that okay with me?

The third question matters most. Answer it in writing.

Step 3. Set a deadline for yourself, not for him

Not an ultimatum like "decide by Friday". A decision for you:

"If nothing has actually changed by 1 March, I leave."

Write the date down. It is there so the waiting does not become endless.

Step 4. Don't stay alone with this

Secrecy makes shame and loneliness bigger. Tell one person you trust who will not judge you. If there is nobody like that, a therapist will do: you can tell them everything.

Step 5. Take your own life back

When everything depends on his call, your own life is on pause. This week, plan one thing that does not depend on him: seeing a friend, a walk, a film. And don't cancel it, even if he suddenly calls.

What not to do in the heat of the moment

When it hurts a lot, you may want to message his wife, make a scene or give an ultimatum. Wait one day. Decisions made at the peak of a feeling are often the ones we later wish we hadn't made.

If you decide to leave

For the first weeks you will want to go back. That does not mean the decision was wrong. It happens almost every time.

Mute his messages or archive the chat.
Agree with a friend: "If I want to text him, I'll text you first."
Fill the evenings when you used to wait for him.

If you decide to stay

That is your right too. Then be honest with yourself about the terms: what you get, what you will not have, and what you will not accept. And come back to the three questions in Step 2 in three months.

Try it right now

Open the notes on your phone.
Write one line: "A year from now, I want my life to have…"
Add three things. Not about him. About you.
Look at it: does this relationship take you towards that, or away from it?

When to get help

Talk to a therapist or doctor if you can't sleep or work, if you feel bad nearly every day for more than two weeks, or if you have decided to leave many times and can't.

If he threatens you, tracks you, cuts you off from other people or frightens you, that is not love. Ask for help: call your local emergency number or a domestic abuse helpline.

If you think life is not worth living, get help now: see the crisis page.

In RIVA PSY you can note how you feel after seeing him and on the waiting days. In a couple of weeks the picture gets clearer. Your notes stay on your phone and nobody else sees them. [Store link or "Notify me at launch" form]

This is a practical guide, not a summary of research. The "facts and promises" and "wait one day" exercises draw on the DBT skills Check the Facts and STOP (Linehan, 2015).